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I'm the author of three novels, “Out of Office” and “Fire Horses" (both published by Legend Press), my new comic novel "Kidology," and a collection of short stories and creative non-fiction, "Militant Factions." I've had hundreds of features and opinion pieces published in the Times, Sunday Times, Guardian, Independent, Mail, Express, Telegraph and many more.

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#KidologyQuotes 51: Jim never could remember passwords

Posted on August 2, 2021 at 7:00 PM

#KidologyQuotes 51:

Jim never could remember passwords. For a time he’d had the original notion of having just one for every purpose, from the university intranet to his wife&#...

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#KidologyQuotes 50: Then maybe Ingrid might let him take her up the Bournville-

Posted on August 1, 2021 at 7:00 PM

#KidologyQuotes 50:

As he lay in bed watching his FLP grimly remove make-up - implying she wished to seem less attractive - Jim contemplated his mother’s generous offer. Of cou...

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#KidologyQuotes 49: At least he'd had some experience of the world - if Letchworth counted as "the world"

Posted on July 31, 2021 at 7:00 PM

#KidologyQuotes 49:

Lately he’d noticed a difference in the undergrads he taught. Twenty years ago they’d been older for a start: mostly mature students from a variety of...

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#KidologyQuotes 48: Her friends parted like she was a lecturer in postmodern discourses at a conference in modernism

Posted on July 30, 2021 at 7:40 PM

#KidologyQuotes 48:

Jim watched Sian pass through her friends, who parted like she was a Youtuber at the Man Booker, or a lecturer in postmodern discourses at a conference in moderni...

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#KidologyQuotes 47: Jim knew the day he slapped sun cream on his bald spot it was all over for him

Posted on July 30, 2021 at 3:40 AM

#KidologyQuotes 47:

All the warehouses along this potholed road were derelict; truck containers sat on skeletal metal legs in the dust. The fierce sun made tarmac dance before his eye...

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#KidologyQuotes 46: He was squat, burly, his neck-blubber wider than his shaved head

Posted on July 29, 2021 at 3:50 AM

#KidologyQuotes 46:

To his surprise it was one of the other fathers from Sian's school, one of the obsessive football-lovers. He was squat, burly, his neck-blubber wider than his shav...

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#KidologyQuotes 45: His favourite sexual fantasy: his partner. How dull was he?

Posted on July 28, 2021 at 2:30 AM

#KidologyQuotes 45:

Ingrid had Expectations, he knew the signs: she’d made a cup of tea, their little pre-coital ritual. Jim's traumatised todger refused to rise; he tried to co...

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#KidologyQuotes 44: The only thing that really gave him the horn was the smell of vanilla

Posted on July 27, 2021 at 3:45 AM

#KidologyQuotes 44:

So far as he knew, Jim was the only man in Christendom with no fetishes - a "vanilla", as the disparaging term had it. He had zero interest in diapers, uniforms, t...

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#KidologyQuotes 43: The concept of a ticket inspector in these Oyster days was so Netscape, so 0171, so Jim

Posted on July 26, 2021 at 3:45 AM

#KidologyQuotes 43:

All in all, it wasn't that he'd disliked his job - it was just that after all these years he found it about as rewarding, as self-fulfilling, as working the ticket...

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#KidologyQuotes 42: He'd never really gone in for humiliation, domination, subjugation or feminisation as a sexual kick: daily life did that

Posted on July 25, 2021 at 5:15 AM

#KidologyQuotes 42:

Worse, at least half of the parents had ALSO shorn their locks - even the Rasta guy, even the gay Rabbi who owned Kahn's Kosher Karwash, even Melanie, who, on see...

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#KidologyQuotes 41: Christmas was approaching, about as welcome as cookie warnings, or a badger in the bath

Posted on July 24, 2021 at 5:30 AM

#KidologyQuotes 41:

Jim's scrotum appeared to be vying for attention with his sphincter, and so it was with some difficulty that he crouched behind the Bentley in Blair Square. Quite ...

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#KidologyQuotes 40: Jim watched as the dog growlingly devoured leftovers, its gargantuan canine schlong all too apparent

Posted on July 23, 2021 at 3:55 AM

#KidologyQuotes 40:

Jim entered the kitchen whistling, pulling the large dog on a string. Immediately Katona screeched and jumped out the window: Noah was about to follow but Ingrid g...

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#KidologyQuotes 39: Being judged as a parent by someone without kids was like having your book judged by an agent

Posted on July 22, 2021 at 3:00 AM

#KidologyQuotes 39:

He was terrified the neighbours would think they were bad parents - even though they appeared to have no children themselves. Being judged as a parent by someone w...

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#KidologyQuotes 38: Prior to getting HDTV he hadn't realised just how ugly English actors WERE

Posted on July 21, 2021 at 3:00 AM

#KidologyQuotes 38:

Jim looked up at the HDTV, some sub-Brechtian nightmare where all the men were gangsters and all the women tarts with ‘earts and everyone had secret pasts an...

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#KidologyQuotes 37: His gown fell open: the eyes of the Russian bulged. It was all rather indecorous

Posted on July 20, 2021 at 3:05 AM

#KidologyQuotes 37:

There was a boom as the Quid's-Inn went up in smoke, causing all the iPods, boom-boxes, wireless speakers, and other drek mankind spends his entire life working to...

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#KidologyQuotes 36: He might have enough for a nice cake of Camembert from Brigitte Bardot

Posted on July 19, 2021 at 3:10 AM

#KidologyQuotes 36:

Jim wasn’t sure, but had a hunch the money he got for the iPhone (nicked, doubtless, from some other kid in an endless mugging merry-go-round) would stretch ...

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#KidologyQuotes 35: Mark's opus consisted of nothing other than a series of long, inappropriate and tortuous metaphors

Posted on July 18, 2021 at 5:30 AM

#KidologyQuotes 35:

Scowling, Mark poured. Though short with all his patrons he was especially abrupt with Jim. Having discovered Jim’s position at the university he’d pre...

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#KidologyQuotes 34: Jim was convinced so-called energy saving devices were part of some Bilderberg-type conspiracy

Posted on July 17, 2021 at 5:40 AM

#KidologyQuotes 34:

Thunderstruck with his Merlover - courtesy of an obliging architect down the underpass - Jim busied himself with emptying the dishwasher, a long and disappointing ...

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#KidologyQuotes 33: An agent acquaintance had "invited" her to write something

Posted on July 16, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#KidologyQuotes 33:

Melanie laughed as only someone who could afford to buy a new house in the shadow of St Joseph’s could laugh. She had never, so far as he knew, worked anywhe...

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#KidologyQuotes 32: "Look at me, girls! I'm driving a CAR!"

Posted on July 15, 2021 at 2:15 AM

#KidologyQuotes 32:

Driving the old Jag he'd managed to obtain from some ghastly car place using part-exchange, a small deposit and unquantifiable untruths Jim headed out to the count...

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