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I'm the author of three novels, “Out of Office” and “Fire Horses" (both published by Legend Press), my new comic novel "Kidology," and a collection of short stories and creative non-fiction, "Militant Factions." I've had hundreds of features and opinion pieces published in the Times, Sunday Times, Guardian, Independent, Mail, Express, Telegraph and many more.

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 72: "The oral history, the myth and legend of the street..."

Posted on May 12, 2021 at 2:00 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 72:

‘Up and down the City Road, in and out the Eagle…

That’s the way the money goes, pop goes the weasel…’

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 71: "...The laws of physics have been rewritten, constitution revised..."

Posted on May 11, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 71:

Farzana pulls up at the bus stop opposite the Anne Boleyn and looks round, bewildered. She’s probably never noticed this old building, driven past a thousand times on her way to the coffee shop and the Islam...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 70: "He has to get a series of buses through a cityscape on the verge of nervous breakdown"

Posted on May 10, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 70:

Hook says nothing and has to resist the urgent temptation to bang his forehead against the wall. Some sunshine boy has spat blood-flecked phlegm that stars out in all directions, a supernova of snot.

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 69: "Plenty have already paid that unimaginable price..."

Posted on May 9, 2021 at 5:20 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 69:

Another part, smaller but more insistent, has had enough. That part of him will be glad when it’s over, except of course he won’t know, he'll be transported back to before his conception. That seems a ...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 68: "He's woken at five by a terrible blaring noise that seems to fill the universe"

Posted on May 8, 2021 at 5:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 68:

He’s woken at five by a terrible blaring noise that seems to fill the universe; sitting upright he stares wildly around and realises he’s in a bus lane. Starting the ignition he lurches forward, the bu...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 67: "Death is the price you pay for life"

Posted on May 7, 2021 at 2:35 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 67:

“Death is the price you pay for life, did Bill Hicks say that? Part of Hook doesn’t want to die because as well as missing the countless ways in which his children will change the world unrecognisably ...

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"Ian Wright's bravery in forgiving his childhood tormentor" - my new Spectator column

Posted on May 6, 2021 at 6:20 AM

“How do you forgive the person who put you through hell as a child? That’s the question that will be runnin...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 66: "Perversion... makes finding and keeping true love that much harder..."

Posted on May 6, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 66:

Perversion, thinks Hook, is not only isolating: it makes finding and keeping true love that much harder. After a miserable few days Monica agreed to stick around, as long he kept his balloons deflated in polite co...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 65: "Hook had put his mind to inventing a perfect suicide attempt"

Posted on May 5, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 65:

For some years, when bored and unable to concentrate on modern distractions, Hook had put his mind to inventing a perfect suicide attempt, one which seems 100% genuine but is 100% guaranteed to fail. He’d ne...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 64: "Hook can't watch Sky football without imagining himself on a blind date with Andy Gray"

Posted on May 4, 2021 at 2:30 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 64:

The bedroom TV is showing Soccer AM: all those middle-class actors pretending to be street kids make him puke. It gives him the same feeling as when he hears swing music on car ads: a vision of anti-PC middle-clas...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 63: "London's... an insubstantial dream haunted by soulless ghosts"

Posted on May 3, 2021 at 5:50 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 63:

As he waits for morning, the city is dimming, lights off all over the place and shops closing down, Canary Wharf’s towers in semi-darkness. How proud they seemed, how strong, these corporate obelisks –...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 62: "They move to Soho and complain about the fucking noise..."

Posted on May 2, 2021 at 5:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 62:

“You know what I hate?” snaps Hook, “assumptions. At dinner parties you’re expected to hate the Jews and the Yanks. Down the pub and the greasy spoon you’re expected to hate the Pakis...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 61: "The crazy thing is, when he was insane he felt happy..."

Posted on May 1, 2021 at 5:55 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 61:

The more Hook considers his erratic behaviour, the more depressed he becomes. The crazy thing is, when he was insane he felt happy; now he’s sane it’s like everything has come crashing down. This is l...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 60: 'Taxing', the hoods call it: reparation for injustices inflicted upon their ancestors...

Posted on April 30, 2021 at 2:20 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 60:

The secondary school across the gang-banged high street is half-term silent. There’s something desolate about an empty playground, Hook decides – a no-man’s land where warring postcodes meet to p...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 59: "Festering with alienation Hook buries himself in his paper..."

Posted on April 29, 2021 at 2:20 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 59:

Festering with alienation Hook buries himself in his paper. Wimbledon’s holding its annual festival to the gods of disappointment; another kid’s been stabbed in South London; experts examining the enor...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 58: "Lowest common denominator: El Seedy for short..."

Posted on April 28, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 58:

Mullen’s main fault was that he reduced everything to the lowest common denominator: there was no issue so important he couldn’t use as an excuse to get a celeb quote, or bribe the staff illustrator t...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 57: "Sid lies motionless at the centre of a terrifying network of machines"

Posted on April 27, 2021 at 2:20 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 57:

Taking off his wedding ring Hook squirts oily substance onto his hands and rubs it in. According to an article he’s just written (based on hearsay, anecdote and prejudice) alkies steal these bottles from hos...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 56: "...A couple of kernels of sweetcorn stick to the underside"

Posted on April 26, 2021 at 2:25 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 56:

Back to Black still plays in the background but it’s drowned out by the white noise in Hook’s head. He jumps up, unzips his pants and slaps his semi on his plate: the coke has made it shrink and there&...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 55: "Church is the one place where one feels self-conscious because one isn't being watched"

Posted on April 25, 2021 at 6:00 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 55:

Hook’s head clangs, like bin lids, like saucepan and spoon; he runs his fingers through his matted hair to ensure he hasn’t been scalped overnight. His throat’s clogged with bitter cobwebs and he...

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#OutofOfficeQuotes 54: "I don't know any Liddle Towers, mate"

Posted on April 24, 2021 at 5:40 AM

#OutofOfficeQuotes 54:

“I don’t know any Liddle Towers, mate,” says the cabbie as he drives up Holloway Road. “Do you mean them flats by the Lidl?”


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